Marriage and divorce aren’t the only types of relationships that can have an impact on your interactions with money. Long before you even consider marriage the beliefs you have relating to money; its prominence, and how you should behave with it, are cemented in childhood. Across several key stages in your development your interactions with money can be influenced by the relationships you develop and maintain throughout your life such as:
- Inclusion or exclusion due to your socioeconomic status;
- Navigating various friend groups;
- When, where, or if you attend college;
- The types of jobs you seek out;
- Romantic partners;
- Etc.
The Scholastic Book Fair
If you’ve ever attended the scholastic book fair in elementary school you know that students would generally fall into the category of the “haves” or the “have nots”. Either you had money to buy the books, supplies, or games available or you walked up and down the aisles wishing you did. This occurrence could generate not only feelings of shame or guilt for not having money, but also impact your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.
Inversely, having the money to buy things could have the opposite effect. You may have had feelings of acceptance, superiority, and increased self-esteem. Depending on whether you were of the group who had or didn’t have money, you might make associations with others who share your experience. In the event that there is a mixed match in experiences within a friend group, you may even begin to make associations between generosity and power, or inadequacy and weakness.
Although the scholastic book fair is just one example, you can observe this dynamic occurring on field trips at the souvenir shop, or even in the cafeteria. You can observe this through extracurricular activities like sports and music, or standardized test prep and tutoring. These early experiences shape not only the prominence of money in your young life but also how having it–or not having it– ultimately makes you feel about yourself and others.
The Dirty Laundry
What we observe in our households growing up has an influence on how we interact with money as well. The concept of “dirty laundry” speaks to keeping issues that happen at home, within the home. This can become problematic around how we see money however because it creates an air of secrecy and shame should the news somehow get out.
Learning to not speak on issues that may be concerning or troubling to you with the appropriate parties can become a reoccurring reflex to financial stress or anxiety. This learned behavior may act as a barrier to communicating with financial therapists or counselors when issues surface like mounting debt or job loss. If this learned behavior results in professional or financial success it could signal to the individual and others that they have more than they do, placing a financial burden on them to be the one to support or bail out relatives or members of the community.
Separation Or Divorce
Navigating a separation or divorce can have negative implications on the parties involved financially, but may also have a long-term traumatic effect on those who observed the interaction take place. If you were a child witnessing the divorce or separation of your parents you might notice the loss of income within the household or the tension between parents when it comes to financial obligations.
As a parent going through separation or divorce, you might experience difficulty in planning for your own life while caring for your children which can result in feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Conversations around child support or custody might become prominent talking points within the household and can have an impact not only on the experiences you have at the moment but also on your financial expectations and vigilance going into romantic relationships in the future. This impact can be felt by your children who may in turn decide to avoid or delay marriage altogether based on the observations and experiences they witnessed growing up.
Retirement And Estate Planning
While planning for your retirement may be a daunting task, you might feel pressured to help out with aging parents or grandparents as they approach their retirement age. Conversations around life insurance and estate planning aren’t always comfortable but are necessary to avoid scrambling for the location of important documents or determining the final wishes of the deceased.
Unfortunately, some parents and grandparents have dedicated the majority of their financial lives to the success of their children and haven’t saved up much to enjoy in their retirement, making their children and grandchildren their retirement plan. This can cause those children to feel sandwiched between caring for their older relatives and possibly caring for their future children with little room to plan for themselves financially. If you are this person you might feel overwhelmed and burdened in trying to determine a realistic split in prioritizing your income and savings.
Social Groups
Your social groups can influence positive or negative behaviors related to spending, investing, or saving. Ritual events like sports games, happy hours, or trips to the salon can all serve the primary purpose of socializing, but unchecked can result in overspending. Even if we look back to the earlier example of the scholastic book fair, you may be drawn to your friends–or they to you–because of what they demonstrate they have or can do financially. The popular phrase “your network is your net worth” rings true in this example as these groups may be the ones who recommend you for different positions or introduce you to financial concepts and ideas you may not have previously considered.
Ultimately all of our interactions can have an influence on how we perceive and interact with money namely because so much of what we do is intertwined with money. It’s important to constantly assess how the relationships we have and the resulting decisions we make align not only with our financial goals but our overall values. This alignment is key to keeping on track and establishing boundaries within our relationships.
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